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Related Friendship Read More. Deborah Tayloe. Ask yourself if the person is controlling your freedom and autonomy. Do you feel trapped, dominated, and fearful all the time?
Are you concerned for your safety? All of these are clear red flags that the behavior has turned into coercive control , a form of domestic violence. Feeling free to be yourself is one of the most important aspects of your identity and self-worth. No romantic relationship, friendship, or working relationship should make you feel small or unsafe.
Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. Find her at cindylamothe. Emotional manipulators often use mind games to seize power in a relationship. The ultimate goal is to use that power to control the other person…. Abuse comes in many forms. It doesn't have to be physical, like in verbal abuse.
When someone repeatedly uses words to demean, frighten, or control…. Controlling behavior due to low self-esteem or anxiety gives individuals more power in their lives. This is also true with a lack of self-control. Controlling people may need to control others as they cannot control themselves. Many bullies and controlling individuals are victims of bullying or controlling behavior. Some victims may need to make up for the lack of control in their lives by controlling others.
For example, people in abusive relationships may act out in the workplace. Children that are the victims of abuse at home may act out in school and bully others. Managers may also classify themselves as victims of upper management. When a manager feels micromanaged, it is common for the manager to micromanage his staff.
With each of these examples, the controlling behavior allows the individual to stop being a victim. However, this creates a cycle of control and bullying. Along with anxiety and victimhood, a wide range of personality disorders may lead to controlling behavior. Controlling people may show signs of narcissism, perfectionism, or obsessive-compulsive disorder OCD. A narcissist or perfectionist may feel the need to control the actions of others to ensure that everything meets their standards.
For example, a manager may micromanage staff because he feels that no one else can adequately complete tasks on their own. People with OCD and other personality disorders may use controlling behavior without realizing it. The behavior is simply the result of their need to obtain specific results. Why are people controlling at work, but not at home? Sometimes the behavior depends on the setting and the other people involved. Someone that is the victim of controlling behavior at home may feel the need to exhibit the same behavior at work.
This gives them a sense of control that they lack at home. Controlling people may also pick and choose their targets. As with bullies, controlling individuals tend to choose victims that are easy to control or intimidate, such as subordinates or new employees. No matter the reasons for the behavior, controlling people typically try to justify their actions and may not fully understand the reasons themselves.
Like so many unhealthy behaviors, controlling behavior is the result of fear and anxiety. If they drop the ball, the world might fall apart and that is frightening indeed. Therefore, the only way to keep the world spinning is to control everything. And that can be exhausting.
Also, control freaks are very uncomfortable with the feeling of helplessness over others. This may have been the result of not getting certain physical or emotional needs met as a child. To further add to the problem, controlling people often get rewarded for their buttoned-up, high-level functioning in the way of promotions and success, but eventually, the behavior catches up with them in some not-so-positive ways.
When someone is demanding that you do something that they want you to do, just smile, and do what you want to do. Stay calm and never try to argue with a controlling person They will always want to have the last word. They are in their own world where they are the boss of everything. They can never do any wrong in their eyes. They have probably never failed at anything because they only do things that they know that cannot fail at.
Otherwise, their control is threatened. So just do what makes you happy and go back to step one: smile and remain calm. Controlling people can be verbally abusive in various forms. They may call you names and tell you what they think all your shortcomings are. You have to understand that this is their truth.
They really think these things about you. They may not be true to you, but they are to them. So you need to believe in yourself, love yourself, and stay strong. I started holding a virtual mirror up to nasty comments when I was receiving them.
If you believe that the control freak is talking about themselves rather than you, the results are brilliant. Soon after I started using this tool, I could see that everything that was said about me was actually true of the controller.
It may be hard if they are a family member, but busy yourself with your own life and loves and come into contact with them as little as can be managed. Or go full on and terminate it straight away, but in a kind way. You can refuse to make a date to see them and tell them that you are busy with a personal project. Then go and find a personal project that will serve you more than spending time with somebody who is draining you.
Always be kind. These people need more love than others. I mean give them compliments so they feel better about themselves and maybe loosen their need to control a little. Kindness works wonders. It is crucial to note that while mental health conditions and past trauma can contribute to controlling behavior, these issues do not justify or excuse abuse.
The first step is to figure out whether or not the controlling behavior is abusive. If it is not, it may be a good idea to talk to the person about their behavior. A person cannot make someone want to change their behavior. If a person attempts to talk calmly and openly with someone, and they do not listen, the person may need to distance themselves or end the relationship. In other cases, when a person demonstrates abusive behavior, such as coercive control, it may be dangerous to confront them.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline recommend creating a safety plan. It may involve:. Emotional abuse in an intimate relationship often predicts physical abuse. Signs that a relationship has become dangerous include :. Helplines, support groups, therapists, counselors, and a range of other resources are available to ensure that a person can leave a situation safely and recover.
To a degree, everyone wants to control what happens to them. If a relationship is unhealthy but not abusive, it may be possible for a controlling person to work on changing their behavior.
However, coercive control can escalate to physical violence. It is important for people who live with a controlling or abusive person to have a plan to protect themselves so that they can leave the situation safely and recover. Coercive control is a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviors within a relationship.
Learn the signs, dangers, and how to get help here. Some signs of emotional abuse include controlling, shaming, blaming, and purposely humiliating another person.
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